Here's some fun one-liners to share with your friends and colleagues:

• The trouble with life is there's no background music.

• Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

• In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

• Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

• Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

• Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

• My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

• My dog can lick anybody.